You have constructed a strong argument and used devices and features of language to support your argument. You have also structured the over-all piece in a way that allows the development of your point. The anecdote at the end reinforced the argument and was a well-chosen and well-timed use of the device.
Areas for development
– there are a number of times when you ought to have used capital letters for example, on the word “I”, and at the beginning of sentences.
– it may have been possible for you to expand the argument to take into account or express a more emotive point of view
– an extra paragraph at the end, summarising the point would conclude the piece better
React!